Things I Eat That Are Going to Kill Me (and it’s not what you think)

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Every day around 10am, I eat breakfast.

Usually it is either cereal or oatmeal, with some nuts and fruit.
Recently I added fresh blueberries to my Great Grains Nut Medley.

And not long after eating it, I noticed my tongue had swollen and my mouth was burning!

This had happened once before years ago, after eating carrot cake.  A trip to the emergency room and what was the assessment?

I once broke out in a rash at a friend’s house and the walk-in clinic gave me Benadryl, so I ran to Shoppers and got some to help with my tongue.

Benadryl makes me CRAZY.  Excitable. Sleepy.  HIGH.  And not in a good way. Out of body.  Not myself.  I hate the stuff but I hate feeling like I’m playing a game of “chubby bunny” with my own mouth flesh, so I’ll take it if I have to.

Trouble is, I don’t know what I’m allergic to!

I’ve had the same reaction with peaches and melon.  Fruits seem to be the trouble…and I love fruit!

I’m heading to the allergist next week, so I’ll give you the update later.
However all this swelling has gotten me thinking about food.  Yeah, like as if I need a REASON to think about food.  You know how they say you only use 6% of your brain, it’s because the other 94% is thinking about this bad boy:

But I was thinking about food.  And if food I am supposed to be eating to make me healthy is doing this to me, then what the hell should I be eating instead?

This got me thinking about all the things they say about foods and how awful they are for you.  So I thought I’d compile a top 15 list of foods I eat regularly, and how in one way or another, it’s going to kill me/is bad for me.  Here we go.

1.  Splenda

I drink tea with 2 sweeteners up to 4 times a day.  Going to get cancer.

2.  Tea

I have acid reflux. Not supposed to drink black tea.  Do, 4 times a day.  Going to get esophageal cancer.

3. Milk, Cheese, Ice Cream, Yogurt, Cream Cheese

Dairy products killed FloJo. They’ll kill me too.

4.  Bread

Bread causes everyone to get fat, fat makes you die.  Obesity will kill me.

5.  Butter

All that saturated fat will give me heart disease.  One foot in the grave.

6. Peanut Butter

See 5.

7.  Oatmeal

Yes, I’ve eaten it at McDonalds and yes it’s going to kill me.

8.  Strawberries, Blueberries, Apples, Spinach, Peppers

Covered in pesticides.  Going to poison me slowly and snuff me out.

9. Potatoes

Starch. Duh.

10.  Chicken

You’re not a vegan? Then you’re pretty much already dead.  Zombie!

11.  Rice

Because I’m impatient, death will also be impatient and Imma die young like Kesha said.

12.  Pasta

13.  Tuna

Mercury isn’t a planet, it’s a stone-cold killer.

14.  Tomato Sauce

see 2.

15.  Nuts

Purposely chosen as the last on the list, because this list is nuts!  And I’m not a squirrel, this guy reminds me.

So there you have it, everything I consume is killing me.
I must ponder this over a box of these.

Because screw it, If I’m already digging my grave with a knife and fork, I may as well enjoy each bite along the way!

And for all you self-righteous, clean-eating, perfect dieters out there…

This is what’s waiting for you too:

Nobody gets out of here alive!


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